The following jokes are exactly that, a joke. They are not directed at anyone or intended to make fun of a particular group of people.
Lets face it were all nuts in our own way and I’ve only included these to put a smile on your face so read on and feel free to comment or add your own..
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”
Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?
During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ said Guy. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup.
‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. (Pause.)
… Guy, do you want a bed near the window?
Passing an exam Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.”Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered,”Well Doc, I can’t swim!
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!
“You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around.”
Emoticons for Psychiatric Med Management
🙂 stable. cont prozac 40mg. f/u 3 mos.
:-)) reduce prozac to 20mg. f/u 1mo.
:-)))) d/c prozac. add lithium 300 tid. check TSH, creatinine, lithium level. f/u 1wk.
😀 add depakote. check valproic acid level, Liver Panel, CBC. f/u 1wk.
😐 stable. cont prozac 40 mg. f/u 1mo.
😦 increase prozac to 60mg. f/u 2wk.
:’-( add wellbutrin SR 150mg. f/u 1wk.
X-( call 911. send to ER. check for OD.
:*} check breathalyzer. refer to AA.
%-} weekly tox screen. refer to AA/NA.
:-&@? add haldol 2mg bid.
|-0 d/c ambien.
:-# d/c elavil. use hard candies.
;-P d/c haldol. add clozapine. AIMS exam. vitamin E 800 iu bid.
:-)~ reduce haldol. add cogentin to reduce sialorrhea.
😉 establish boundaries. do not schedule at end of day.
;-x see with chaperone only.
THE 12 WARNING SIGNS OF GOOD HEALTH*(If several or more appear, you may rarely need to visit a doctor.)
1. Regular flare-ups of a supportive network of friends and family.
2. Chronic positive expectations.
3. Repeated episodes of gratitude and generosity.
4. Increased appetite for physical activity.
5. Marked tendency to identify and express feelings.
6. Compulsion to contribute to society.
7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.
8. Habitual behavior related to seeking new challenges.
9. Craving for peak experiences.
10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.
12. Persistent sense of humor.