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It’s been quite a while since my last post and If I’m honest there’s good reason, My head, mind and thought’s simply havn’t been upto It.

This Is going to be a brief post asking whoever read’s this to consider joining my FACEBOOK Group..

It’s called ” Why the F@@k am I awake ” It’s not just about Insomnia It’s a place where I hope we can all share our Experience’s, Whether It be Bipolar, Hypermania or any other Mental health Issue. I want us all to be able to talk freely with each other possibly help each other out..

https://www.facebook.com/groups/am.i.awake/

or

am.i.awake@groups.facebook.com

You can also add me personally by searching for  :–

http://www.facebook.com/brian.macintosh77

Hope to hear from you soon..

Kind Regard’s

BRIAN aka MANICMACCA

I CANT BELIEVE I OVERDOSED

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Where do I start ??

I suppose the beginning would be good. As you’ll of no doubt noticed I havn’t written anything recently and that’s simply down to the fact I’ve felt relatively OK over the past month or so I thought..

I’ll openly admit I thought I knew best and decided to stop taking some of my medication,

  DEPIKOTE      ( Mood stabilisers )  

At first I honestly thought I’d made the right choice, my sleep pattern Improved, I seemed to have more motivation and generally felt a lot better In myself but as usual all good thing’s have to end.

Monday just gone was no different than any other day, my wife told my psychiatrist I wasn’t acting unusual  or behaving odd. I was In what I thought was a good frame of mind, so I decided to go and buy some alcohol which Isn’t usually any kind of problem. Well this time round everything seemed normal, I got drunk and told my wife I was going to bed. Nothing odd there but apparently 20 mins later I came back down stairs and was completely Incoherent talking absolute rubbish and didn’t actually know where I was or what was going on around me.

My Wife Instantly knew something wasn’t right and called for an Ambulance, I have absolutely no recollection of any of this. 

I woke up fuzzy headed and went to rub my eye’s and that’s when I realised, I was In Hospital !!!!

I had a drip coming out of my right hand and another tube coming out of my wrist, I was also wearing Hospital gown’s which made something dawn on me. A member of staff must of undressed me and to make It worse I don’t wear underwear. How embarrassing,….

Well after plenty of blood test’s and checking my med’s cupboard they discovered I’d taken around 10 –  7.5mg tablets of

Zopiclone      ( Sleeper’s )  

I’ve 1 very simple question??   Why did I do It??

Honestly can’t understand It at all, If I’m honest It’s scared the shit out of me simply because I’m clearly not In complete control of my own action’s.. Which now leave’s me wondering what else could / might happen In the future? Harm myself or worse harm someone close to me with out even being aware of It..

Now I’m back on the Crisis team alert list and waiting to hear what the next step Is going to be, more tablet’s? A stay In hospital? I just don’t know any more, nothing seem’s to work properly for me. It either work’s 1 way but has side effect’s or It doesn’t work at all..

 

HELP !!!!

 

WHO’S WATCHING FROM WITHIN

hidden feeling's

Well were do I start ? 

It’s been a few week’s since my last post and oh what a difference a few week’s make. I’ve gone from being euphoric and on top of the world to feeling absolutely worthless. I no longer want to get out of bed or even bother with simple daily task’s. Right now I honestly couldn’t care less about anything. Yes that sound’s pretty drastic but that’s the honest truth. I would happily go to sleep an not wake up right now. 

I understand that sound’s suicidal but that’s not exactly what I’m getting at, I no longer want this nonexistent lifestyle. I feel that there’s more to my existence than this, I just don’t fucking know what?? It feel’s like I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

My life seem’s to go from extreme to another so rapidly It’s hard for me to keep up, Imagine being In relatively quiet place then out of nowhere youv’e got 30 people all demanding answer’s to thing’s youv’e no idea about. It’s kind of like that, who? what? where? when?

” EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE “

I simply want an easy life without all this bullshit, but as I keep getting reminded It’s the hand I was dealt. If that’s the case I fold my hand, stand up from the table an say thank’s but no thank’s, I’ve had enough of this ” game “.

If you’ve any idea where I’m coming from feel free to leave a comment as right now I seriously haven’t got a clue as to what to do next other than drive myself up the wall..    

I’m well aware there are plenty of you out there who are experiencing this as well as me, all I ask Is for you to get in touch an let me know how you deal with it. Any Idea’s, suggestion’s will be appreciated.  

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My mind Is like Highway full of speeding car’s all of which are travelling faster than one can possibly Imagine, It’s out of my control now I’m merely a passenger on what feel’s like a joy ride.

I’m hardly surprised as I’ve been awake for 64 hours without a minute’s sleep, I’m on a kind high which Is tremendous, My Idea’s are fast and frequent like shooting star’s, and I follow them until I find better and brighter one’s. Feeling’s of euphoria, Intensity, power, well-being and ease are all flowing through my vein’s. I can feel my heart pumping stronger and stronger wanting more and more, I’m thriving on the thing that is potentially going to make me ill.

Do I want It to stop Is the question I’m asking myself.

One part of me say’s “YES” this Isn’t healthy for you but the other scream’s “NO” enjoy the creativity that’s been handed to you. In reality though I don’t have the Option to choose It’s quite simply the hand I was dealt with.

As the day’s have gone to night’s and then back to day’s my Idea’s are getting far to fast and there are far to many of them,

Where’s this highway taking Me ?

What’s going to happen when I get there ?

Am I going to be a passer by ?

Or am I going to be a metaphorical wreck myself ?

It’s all travelling at the speed of light, a quick twinkle then It’s gone into the darkest part’s of my mind just like a shooting star, by the time you see it and acknowledge It’s existence It’s gone. Is my mind simply overloading with Idea’s and thought’s or Is It a glimpse of shear brilliance where as I’m tapping Into my undiscovered and natural talent’s. I honestly don’t know but I would say I’ve been more creative in the last 3 day’s than I have the last 3 year’s. I feel I have the power to not just describe my mood’s and feeling’s but to share with you the emotion’s that are attached to them.

Everything has a beautiful glow about It, Kind of like a Sunrise. There’s a sensual, warmness, serenity that lighten’s your spirit and broaden’s your mind.

I know It has to end but when It does, how’s It going to happen?

Nice and Quietly

Or

Loud and Aggressively.

I think I can answer this already, as the past night has progressed I’ve slowly noticed my concentration dropping, tiredness Is making an appearance, my thought’s are wondering, even my Mind Is wavering, dark figure’s, silhouettes and shadow’s are starting to creep into my line of sight and wherever I look, they’re there, waiting  for me. Of course they can’t be real and I know they are just figment’s of my imagination but that doesn’t change the fact I’m seeing them so I’d almost guarantee It’s going to end horribly.

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that this joy ride Is over.

All I want to know Is ?

Am I simply going to be walking wounded or something far more serious?

Some Poetry

Bipolar and Me
 
Where in the rapid descent of time
did I gain this fragile state of mind?
That keeps me up so late at night
and dreams the dreams that cause me fright!
Is it the sins of the father levied against me now?
And cautions me not to ask the who, the when, the how.
Or is it for my own sins that the price runs so deep?
While I lay here trampled under by the world’s feet.
Like the Phoenix I try to rise from the dust
only to get weighed under life from dawn to dusk.
As the “Normal” people forget that I am alive, 
They know not nor care if I’m lost or if I’ve died.
So a new world I create unto myself
filled with people like me put up on a shelf.
Together we live in a life that is our own, 
on a make believe planet we built our home.
In a Bipolar world I lost my frame of mind,
Where all the “Normal” people have forgotten how to be kind
It cuts like a knife their lack of compassion,
but I will not respond in similar fashion.
I’ll continue to hurt to the core of my soul,
and let the blood drops heal what no one can console.
My guardian Angels are with me to the end,
they are more than just my Angels, they are my friends.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————
Madness
 

Mind unable to direct thoughts correctly
Universe caving in around me
Walls come crashing down
Its in my head, but you can’t see

Body tired no sleep as the nights draw long
Medications giving little help at this point
No where to turn or hide
No one to Hear my song

Nightmares invading little rest on odd occasion
Drink obscuring normality
Life seems so wrong
Voices arriving for the main invasion

Reality running wild mixed with sadness
Situation taking control with adverse effects
Holding on but only just
Take me far away, away from madness

Why Now? When I was feeling so well
It’s always the same
I achieve and then so much 
Take me from this hell.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————

The reason I decided on Poems rather than my usual going’s Is I’m trying a new approach, which mean’s not sitting on here all night blankly staring at my Facebook profile page.  So Instead I’ve got myself a quality book by no other than  Kay Redfield Jamison this Is what made me go out an buy the book..

She was an American clinical psychologist and writer whose work has centered on bipolar disorder which she has suffered from since her early adulthood. She is Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and is an Honorary Professor of English at the University of St Andrews

She write’s It like she’s reading my mind, all those thought’s and feeling’s I experience every day. You’ll probably agree once you read the paragraph below..

 “There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.” 

Anyway that’s me signing out, hope your all OK?? 

Thank’s Brian

 

A Tortured Soul

This look’s how I feel right now, Crazed, Mental however you want to describe It, It Isn’t a nice place to be. I’ve been awake now for almost 3 full day’s with maybe 5/6 hour’s sleep and my head Is begging for It all to  stop, please just stop and let me have some quality sleep an rest time but my plea’s for rest are going unanswered.

I’m between a Rock and a very very Hard place. I don’t mind missing the odd night here and there, but sometimes it’s night after night after night and then it becomes relentless. I can feel my sense of sanity slipping away, I see things that aren’t there, I become preoccupied with things that don’t matter, like checking my Facebook account constantly during the night, just to get communication from the outside world. Which I’ve been doing whilst writing this new post.

Whilst being In this state I’ve been doing some research on the Net and I found A study that found people who reported difficulty getting to sleep, staying asleep or waking up too early were more likely to think about killing themselves, plan suicide or attempt to kill themselves.

I don’t know about you but that’s a pretty horrible conclusion but I believe It to be true. I myself have had those thought’s and feeling’s and I even discussed them with my psychiatrist only yesterday but he never came up with a solution other than more medication. I’m not being funny when I say this but I’ve tried God know’s how many type’s of Med’s an they simply don’t work. I’m now getting to the point of feeling tortured out of my mind. I no longer feel like all my thought’s are my own and my action’s are also starting to falter ie :- I’ve spent a small fortune In the last week on thing’s I wouldn’t normally do, I’m overly fixated on the simplest of task’s to the point they take hours, I constantly wan’t something to do even though I really haven’t got the energy to do It.

Something else I’ve read, Sleep deprivation is regarded as torture under international law and is branded as such by the United Nations. Sleep deprivation may sound quite harmless in comparison to other methods of torture; however, ongoing sleep deprivation is an extraordinarily cruel form of torture which leads to a breakdown of the nervous system and to other serious physical and psychological damage.

I can’t agree more with above statement but I’m all out of Idea’s as what to do next, I’m almost certain there’s people out there that read my Blog and have probably experienced similar problem’s as mine. All I ask Is for you to please leave a comment or suggestion as to what I could do. Seriously If this carry’s on like this I honestly do know how long I can cope with It all..

I’m going to leave It at that for now an try an relax for an hour before my family wake up.

Thank’s for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon..

 << Brian >>

 

I Look In

Before I start to update my Blog I’d just like you to read this poem I recently found I believe It ring’s true for  allot and describes how we can feel when were feeling low. I’ve Included the source so you find other poem’s like this..

I know you may not think so
But I’m trying really hard
I don’t do it on purpose
I did not pick this card

I’m trying my very best
To get this hurtle jumped
But no one else is there
To help me out of this slump

I don’t know what you want from me
Give me a hint or clue
Please give me a sign
I don’t know what to do

If you only knew
How much I struggle in this war
Maybe you would be there
To pick me up off the floor

Its time to stop pretending
Time to open up your eyes
To give me a hand
Instead of looks and sighs

Its not that I don’t love you
And its not that I don’t care
The fact is I need help too
I need somebody there

Source: Poem about Struggling With A Panic Attack http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/poem-about-struggling-with-a-panic-attack#ixzz1x9VcvRgw
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Depression has a different quality than the normal range of sadness that you may feel throughout the day. When you are depressed you do not feel like being with anybody. Your either sleep way more than usual or you can hardly sleep it all. Similarly, your appetite is either nonexistent or increases dramatically. Your energy level goes way down and you have a feeling of hopelessness about life. As difficult as it may be it is important to get out of the house and get some help. You are not alone.

Well what can I say, I’ve had a manic few week’s and I was honestly thinking yesterday that the worst was over because I actually started to feel tiredness creeping up on me. So yesterday afternoon around 5.30pm I told my wife I was going to bed and as usual she’s not exactly over the moon about It but she tries to understand which I’m very grateful for. Well anyway I headed off to bed In the hope of sleep, but after 6 hours of being led In bed did I realise It wasn’t going to happen and as I mentioned yesterday I had an important appointment with my Case Worker and psychiatrist so sleep was high on my agenda.

As you’ll guess It never happened and had to go feeling like a mess which trust me ain’t great when your going to something like that. My meeting was for 9.30am today, we arrived on time but as expected they had to discuss my case in private before actually Inviting me In and when they did It was the usual question’s such as ” How’s your mood been lately? Have you had any suicidal thought’s recently? ” you know the script I’m sure. Well It was like I’d taken them by surprise when I answered ” My head’s been a mess for the last few week’s, I’ve been Hyper manic and yes I’ve had suicidal thought’s ” now what?

 Guess how Imaginative they are??  ” I know they said, Increase the lithium that’ll sort It “.  Will It? Will It really be the answer ?. Unfortunately I seriously don’t think It will be, I’ve had that many variation’s of medication I honestly wonder If I’ll ever be my true self again.. All I can do Is have faith that they know what they’re doing and sooner or later they’ll get the cocktail of drug’s I’m on just right but until then I’ll have to put up with this physical and mentally straining condition.

Don’t get me wrong sometime’s It’s actually not to bad like now for Instance, I’m on a massive high but It’s not particularly upsetting me In fact almost the opposite, I’m generally feeling happy my mood Is good an my spirits are high.. But on the other hand I know sooner or later It’ll all end and I’ll feel like shit again which Is a massive downer for anyone who suffer’s with Bipolar or other Mental Health problem. You’re enthusiasm for doing anything goes out the window along with your will to live, all you really want to do Is “Find a rock and crawl under It” that’s how I feel every time I come back down to Earth. To describe It I’d have to say , You feel Exhausted, Depressed, Worthless, Emotional and Life less. It’s a very dark and lonely place to be although you want people around you making sure your OK you also want them just to F**k Off and leave you alone because you can’t be arsed with the Bulls**t an reality of life you feel bad enough without adding more to It.

It’s such a heartache sometime’s because my Wife who I love dearly has to watch me go through all the high’s and the low’s and she’s pretty much powerless to help me. Even during the brief period I started hearing and seeing thing’s she stood by me like a rock. She didn’t have a clue what to say to me, but she carried on giving me support either way. A simple hug when word’s can’t be found Is all It take’s to bring some sort of comfort to your very unstable mind and she has them by the van load..

Thank You Sweetheart

<<  LOVE YOU  >>

breakdown :(

break

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Well It’s been one of those week’s were my head and my Bipolar took over, I’ve been on what can only be described as a massive hyper mood. Hardly any sleep, excessive spending and pretty much all over the place but finally I think I’m calming down not through my medication which to be honest I think Is shit but through massive overload. I believe my mind can only take so much then it just crashes a bit like a PC if you Overload It with program’s It will just decide to say “No Thanks not today”. I reckon that’s were I’m at now.

Just as well really because I had my regular appointment for my blood’s to be taken ( Due to the Lithium ) today and I don’t really like the place at the best of time’s. They do It at my local Mental Health unit and It’s full of Shrink’s an Doctor’s so obviously when your manic you get overly paranoid which doesn’t help In a place like that..  While having my blood sucked out of me we spoke about my recent mood’s and feeling’s and guess what? I’m booked in to see Shrink tomorrow, he’s a specialist registrar and he’s not my normal Shrink so I’m not to sure what’s all that about. Maybe It’s a second opinion or a re-assessment but one thing they said Is that they’ll more than likely change my medication. I’m thinking yeh whatever I’ll happily be a guinea pig If there’s a chance of them Improving my health In any way shape or form..

I’ll let you know how I get tomorrow but for now I’m out of here as I don’t want to start myself off again.. Hope your all having a nice day whatever your doing..

<<LOOK  VERY HARD AT THE PICTURE BELOW>>

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As the title say’s, I’m on a Hyper yet again. If I’m honest sometime’s I don’t mind It because It usually occurs after me having a good day In one way or another. Like today for instance, I got up at a reasonable time let my wife have a well earned lye In. Then we all got ready to go out to our local pub because they had allsorts laid on for the kids to celebrate the jubilee, spent a few hours there having a BBQ and stuff. Then we all decided to jump In a taxi down to our local beach where there’s Arcade’s a Funfair an lot’s of other stuff to-do.

So all in all I’ve been a very busy chap and that’s usually what TRIGGER’S me off..  So here I am again, wide awake with my mind doing a million mph.. As allot of you will know It can actually be a nice place to be sometime’s.. I feel very happy to the point euphoria (almost) . It’s a bizarre kind of feeling Isn’t It, your happy and your mind’s exploding with idea’s from simple thing’s like what your going to do tomorrow to massive unrealistic idea’s such as thinking about buying stupid overly expensive things that you don’t even need.

I’m an Idiot when It come’s to my finance’s obviously being Bipolar certainly doesn’t help the situation. I got that bad with my spending I had to file for bankruptcy I lost my nice shiny BMW which I adored and I nearly lost my home. It was one hell of change In lifestyle going from £30k a year down to Disability Living Allowance and Employment Support Allowance which comes to around £8k a year. Not great I can say that much but I suppose It’s better than a kick in the teeth. I recently asked my psychiatrist whether I’m able to go back to work and the answer was a simple “NO”. I suppose she has a point, Imagine It, Me In work an all of a sudden BOOM I go all Hyper. They wouldn’t know what the f**t to do other than probably fire me for taking drugs or something because I know one thing for sure I have no intention’s of telling any future employer’s about my condition, YES I know they’re not meant to discriminate but I’ll guarantee you that they do.

Famous saying “Knowledge Is Wisdom” and I know for a fact  that not allot of people really know much about Bipolar or any mental health Issue’s and the second you mention anything to do with mental health people automatically presume your a nut case an tend to back away from you. I was only diagnosed this time last year and I’ve already noticed how people’s perception of you change’s. Some of my so called friend’s no longer stop to chat In the street, some Ignore message’s I send on Facebook it’s not me being paranoid It’s a FACT. I bumped into an old friend not so long ago an I asked the usual “how’s  things” an he replied “not to bad mate, how are you? I heard you’ve gone nuts and you lost the plot” .

I seriously couldn’t believe what I’d just heard, one because he didn’t even ask how I was and two he’d basically said that people aka my so called friend’s were talking about me behind my back rather than coming to me first. I was f**king livid, I didn’t know how to respond to that If I’m honest, I just replied ” yeh If you say so” an walked off..

So If anyone tries to tell me that people or friend’s don’t change when they know you’ve got a mental health problem I’d reply with ” your full of shit “..

Ha Ha,  I’ve just realised that I’ve gone off track yet again. Sorry about that, as anyone will know who’s got Bipolar, Hyper mania or Mania your head (mind) can go so bloody fast you don’t know If your coming or going and I’m experiencing It full on at the moment. Choo Choo ..

The next picture put’s a smile on my face, hope It has the same effect for you..

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I’d say where all purple giraffe’s in one way or another..

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