Tag Archive: Depression


coaster

Bipolar Disorder is one of the most severe mental disorders a person could have. The lives of those suffering from it are hugely impacted by it. While other disorders, such as depression and anxiety, may work in cycles or waves, Bipolar Disorder requires constant, vigilant management. The disorder is typically managed by daily medication and talk therapy.

The trademark of Bipolar Disorder is a major mood imbalance. The person may go from depressed to a manic state, or may experience other shifts in mood that affect the person’s ability to function. People who have Bipolar Disorder often have a hard time sleeping. It’s not unusual for someone unmedicated with this disorder to be up for two or three days straight because their mind and body simply won’t let them sleep.

How do these symptoms affect the loved ones of these people? It has an effect. Parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers see these individuals pass between depression and mania, and they see what a toll it takes on them. One of the realities for the loved ones is they begin to understand that they cannot expect the person to always be consistent; they know the mood and behavior can significantly change.

The situation is more difficult when the loved ones aren’t aware of what the problem is. Watching the moods shift can be confusing. If the loved ones don’t understand how the disorder works, they can get caught in a cycle of trying to figure out why the person changes so much. Know that if someone’s mood appears to change a lot more than yours, they probably have a mood disorder. Just as Depression is one example of a mood disorder, Bipolar Disorder is another.

The situation is often the most difficult for the loved ones who live in the same house as the person with Bipolar Disorder. The reason for this is because the sufferer goes through major mood ‘spells’ and the sufferer himself or herself feels overwhelmed and often feels a loss of control as a result. This mood shift often spills over to others, and this can set the tone for the mood in the entire house. Loved ones can find themselves walking on eggshells because they never know what to expect next.

In addition, when the sufferer goes into a manic cycle, the inability to sleep can disrupt the whole house. If you share a bed with the person, you may wake up at 4 a.m. and wonder where that person is. You may be further upset when you find that he or she has been up for the third night in a row, unable to lay in bed and sleep. Even if you don’t share the bed, that person may be up making noise in the middle of the night and may keep others in the house awake.

Overall, loving someone with Bipolar Disorder creates fear and anxiety in the loved ones. The loved ones learn that medication often does a good job managing the symptoms, so the loved ones become extra cautious and almost parental: “Did you take your medication today?” Though the loved ones would prefer not to worry about this, they know what happens when the sufferer goes off his or her meds.

One of the most helpful things you can do if you have a loved one with this disorder is to find a friend who has a loved one with this disorder, too, or find a therapist with whom you can discuss how this affects you. Though you may try to believe you’re fine and you have made the best of the situation, talking things out may help reduce your own frustration and anxiety.

Finally, there is a wonderful organization called NAMI. You can find it easily online. The organization offers groups in many communities in which you can meet others who have loved ones with mental illness, and you can also work with others to advocate for greaterunderstanding of mental illness.

Yes you’ll know doubt be wondering why I’ve decided to do a post that basically describes my undoing, Well I think It’s about time I let all those dark, terrifying memories become exactly that ” memories “.

I was 33 when I had my first attack of manic depressive Illness; once the war began, I lost my mind rather rapidly.

At first, everything seemed so easy, I raced about like a headless chicken, bubbling with plan’s and Idea’s, Immersed In pointless activitie’s, and staying up all night, night after night, out working, reading everything and anything and making completely unrealistic plan’s for my future. The World was filled with promise and pleasure, I felt amazing like I could do absolutely anything.

My mind seemed crystal clear, focused and I was intuitive, at the time, however, not only did everything make perfect sense, but It all began to fit into a marvellous kind of relatedness.

It must of been exhausting to be around me and my rambling’s; You’re talking to fast, Bri. Slow down your wearing me out. Those time’s when they didn’t actually come out and say It, I could see It In their eye’s: For God’s sake, Bri, chill out..

I did, finally, slow down. In fact, I came to a grinding halt and the bottom began to fall out of my life and mind. My thinking far from being clearer than crystal, was tortuous. I would read the same article over an over only to realise that I had no memory at all of what I’d just read. Nothing made sense, I would find myself staring out the window of my cab with absolutely no Idea of what was going on around me.

It was an extremely frightening experience to go through, It still happen’s even now. I was used to my mind being my best buddy, of having complete conversation’s within my head;  somewhere to hide when boring or painful sorrounding’s appeared. Now all of a sudden my mind turned on me; It laughed at all my foolish plan’s; no longer found thing’s interesting or enjoyable. It was incapable of concentrated thought and turned time again and again to the subject of death: I was going to die. What difference did anything make? My life like everyone else’s was a short and meaningless one, why live? I was completely exhausted and didn’t want to even get out of bed, I wore the same clothes for day’s on end without a thought of personal appearance.

Each day I woke deeply tired, a feeling foreign to me. Then a grey, bleak preoccupation with death and dying and that everything was born to die. Best die now and save the pain while wait? I made a decision to end It all, I got into my car at around 01.30 am and headed for my local motorway ( highway ) once there my mind left me and I drove Into the central reservation travelling at around 70/80 mph. I don’t fully remember what took place or what happened after the event. My next memory was being In hospital surrounded by Doctor’s and nurse’s aswell as my Family. It had taken them so long to cut me free from the wreck that my family had time to travel the 8 mile’s to the A+E..

Needless to say the following few day’s were tedious, constant assessment by Doctor’s and Psychiatrist’s. It took them a further 2 month’s to diagnose me with Bipolar, As anyone else with the condition I’m still coming to term’s with the whole situation. I partly created this Blog to express my thought’s and feeling’s also for other’s to compare experience’s.

I hope I havn’t  bored you to death and you’ve gotten something out of this.

WHO’S WATCHING FROM WITHIN

hidden feeling's

Well were do I start ? 

It’s been a few week’s since my last post and oh what a difference a few week’s make. I’ve gone from being euphoric and on top of the world to feeling absolutely worthless. I no longer want to get out of bed or even bother with simple daily task’s. Right now I honestly couldn’t care less about anything. Yes that sound’s pretty drastic but that’s the honest truth. I would happily go to sleep an not wake up right now. 

I understand that sound’s suicidal but that’s not exactly what I’m getting at, I no longer want this nonexistent lifestyle. I feel that there’s more to my existence than this, I just don’t fucking know what?? It feel’s like I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

My life seem’s to go from extreme to another so rapidly It’s hard for me to keep up, Imagine being In relatively quiet place then out of nowhere youv’e got 30 people all demanding answer’s to thing’s youv’e no idea about. It’s kind of like that, who? what? where? when?

” EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE “

I simply want an easy life without all this bullshit, but as I keep getting reminded It’s the hand I was dealt. If that’s the case I fold my hand, stand up from the table an say thank’s but no thank’s, I’ve had enough of this ” game “.

If you’ve any idea where I’m coming from feel free to leave a comment as right now I seriously haven’t got a clue as to what to do next other than drive myself up the wall..    

I’m well aware there are plenty of you out there who are experiencing this as well as me, all I ask Is for you to get in touch an let me know how you deal with it. Any Idea’s, suggestion’s will be appreciated.  

A Tortured Soul

This look’s how I feel right now, Crazed, Mental however you want to describe It, It Isn’t a nice place to be. I’ve been awake now for almost 3 full day’s with maybe 5/6 hour’s sleep and my head Is begging for It all to  stop, please just stop and let me have some quality sleep an rest time but my plea’s for rest are going unanswered.

I’m between a Rock and a very very Hard place. I don’t mind missing the odd night here and there, but sometimes it’s night after night after night and then it becomes relentless. I can feel my sense of sanity slipping away, I see things that aren’t there, I become preoccupied with things that don’t matter, like checking my Facebook account constantly during the night, just to get communication from the outside world. Which I’ve been doing whilst writing this new post.

Whilst being In this state I’ve been doing some research on the Net and I found A study that found people who reported difficulty getting to sleep, staying asleep or waking up too early were more likely to think about killing themselves, plan suicide or attempt to kill themselves.

I don’t know about you but that’s a pretty horrible conclusion but I believe It to be true. I myself have had those thought’s and feeling’s and I even discussed them with my psychiatrist only yesterday but he never came up with a solution other than more medication. I’m not being funny when I say this but I’ve tried God know’s how many type’s of Med’s an they simply don’t work. I’m now getting to the point of feeling tortured out of my mind. I no longer feel like all my thought’s are my own and my action’s are also starting to falter ie :- I’ve spent a small fortune In the last week on thing’s I wouldn’t normally do, I’m overly fixated on the simplest of task’s to the point they take hours, I constantly wan’t something to do even though I really haven’t got the energy to do It.

Something else I’ve read, Sleep deprivation is regarded as torture under international law and is branded as such by the United Nations. Sleep deprivation may sound quite harmless in comparison to other methods of torture; however, ongoing sleep deprivation is an extraordinarily cruel form of torture which leads to a breakdown of the nervous system and to other serious physical and psychological damage.

I can’t agree more with above statement but I’m all out of Idea’s as what to do next, I’m almost certain there’s people out there that read my Blog and have probably experienced similar problem’s as mine. All I ask Is for you to please leave a comment or suggestion as to what I could do. Seriously If this carry’s on like this I honestly do know how long I can cope with It all..

I’m going to leave It at that for now an try an relax for an hour before my family wake up.

Thank’s for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon..

 << Brian >>

 

I Look In

Before I start to update my Blog I’d just like you to read this poem I recently found I believe It ring’s true for  allot and describes how we can feel when were feeling low. I’ve Included the source so you find other poem’s like this..

I know you may not think so
But I’m trying really hard
I don’t do it on purpose
I did not pick this card

I’m trying my very best
To get this hurtle jumped
But no one else is there
To help me out of this slump

I don’t know what you want from me
Give me a hint or clue
Please give me a sign
I don’t know what to do

If you only knew
How much I struggle in this war
Maybe you would be there
To pick me up off the floor

Its time to stop pretending
Time to open up your eyes
To give me a hand
Instead of looks and sighs

Its not that I don’t love you
And its not that I don’t care
The fact is I need help too
I need somebody there

Source: Poem about Struggling With A Panic Attack http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/poem-about-struggling-with-a-panic-attack#ixzz1x9VcvRgw
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Depression has a different quality than the normal range of sadness that you may feel throughout the day. When you are depressed you do not feel like being with anybody. Your either sleep way more than usual or you can hardly sleep it all. Similarly, your appetite is either nonexistent or increases dramatically. Your energy level goes way down and you have a feeling of hopelessness about life. As difficult as it may be it is important to get out of the house and get some help. You are not alone.

Well what can I say, I’ve had a manic few week’s and I was honestly thinking yesterday that the worst was over because I actually started to feel tiredness creeping up on me. So yesterday afternoon around 5.30pm I told my wife I was going to bed and as usual she’s not exactly over the moon about It but she tries to understand which I’m very grateful for. Well anyway I headed off to bed In the hope of sleep, but after 6 hours of being led In bed did I realise It wasn’t going to happen and as I mentioned yesterday I had an important appointment with my Case Worker and psychiatrist so sleep was high on my agenda.

As you’ll guess It never happened and had to go feeling like a mess which trust me ain’t great when your going to something like that. My meeting was for 9.30am today, we arrived on time but as expected they had to discuss my case in private before actually Inviting me In and when they did It was the usual question’s such as ” How’s your mood been lately? Have you had any suicidal thought’s recently? ” you know the script I’m sure. Well It was like I’d taken them by surprise when I answered ” My head’s been a mess for the last few week’s, I’ve been Hyper manic and yes I’ve had suicidal thought’s ” now what?

 Guess how Imaginative they are??  ” I know they said, Increase the lithium that’ll sort It “.  Will It? Will It really be the answer ?. Unfortunately I seriously don’t think It will be, I’ve had that many variation’s of medication I honestly wonder If I’ll ever be my true self again.. All I can do Is have faith that they know what they’re doing and sooner or later they’ll get the cocktail of drug’s I’m on just right but until then I’ll have to put up with this physical and mentally straining condition.

Don’t get me wrong sometime’s It’s actually not to bad like now for Instance, I’m on a massive high but It’s not particularly upsetting me In fact almost the opposite, I’m generally feeling happy my mood Is good an my spirits are high.. But on the other hand I know sooner or later It’ll all end and I’ll feel like shit again which Is a massive downer for anyone who suffer’s with Bipolar or other Mental Health problem. You’re enthusiasm for doing anything goes out the window along with your will to live, all you really want to do Is “Find a rock and crawl under It” that’s how I feel every time I come back down to Earth. To describe It I’d have to say , You feel Exhausted, Depressed, Worthless, Emotional and Life less. It’s a very dark and lonely place to be although you want people around you making sure your OK you also want them just to F**k Off and leave you alone because you can’t be arsed with the Bulls**t an reality of life you feel bad enough without adding more to It.

It’s such a heartache sometime’s because my Wife who I love dearly has to watch me go through all the high’s and the low’s and she’s pretty much powerless to help me. Even during the brief period I started hearing and seeing thing’s she stood by me like a rock. She didn’t have a clue what to say to me, but she carried on giving me support either way. A simple hug when word’s can’t be found Is all It take’s to bring some sort of comfort to your very unstable mind and she has them by the van load..

Thank You Sweetheart

<<  LOVE YOU  >>

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