Tag Archive: insane



I’m cruising along day by day,
taking everything and feeling in stride,
All intense feelings kept at bay.
No major depression, no roller-coaster ride

Feeling quite content, this bipolar’s version of Heaven.
Seems Medications are working and no insane thoughts lurking.
Despite the side effects one has to contend with.
I can participate in life without being an extremist.
All negative behaviors have ceased and are in check.
All falling by the way side in the pursuit of all that is better.
Suicidal ideations are a thing of the distant past.
The scars I wear no longer make sense.

Affection is welcome and
Touch soothes the soul.
Closeness is invited and intimacy seems to heal all.

Then, without warning
Like the Tsunami in Asia
Everything I know gets washed away.
An uncontrollable wave of emotion crashes down upon the coast of ME.
The skies now gray and angry consuming all that was blue.
As I race to save my life.
Everything I hold dear now in strife
My foundation washed away or buried.
Are you beginning to feel why bipolar’s worry?

All the tools acquired over the years,
The relationships invested in fall by the wayside
In confusion and tears.
I question if the only safe place is the hospital.

Insomnia creeps through my backdoor.
Hiding in my bed
Making sleep impossible.
My bedroom no longer a friend,
More like a distant relative.
Meds cease to work as brain chemistry adjusts and tolerances build to the
Very temporary man-made solution
To OUR organic constitution.
And you wonder why I sometimes feel cheated.

Everything within my view becomes a project I must attack and complete
My essence is slipping through and ticking by,
no time to waste.
As my mind races,
my eyes scan my surroundings
Taking note of each and every item out of place.
More projects pile up and less seems to get done.
Overwhelming every inch of my mind
And occupying all your waking time.
My mind seeks sanctuary but there isn’t any.

The CONCEPT of sleep becomes a LUXURY that the manic mind
CANNOT
Participate in.
Sleeping while in a mania is like drinking a bottle of vodka while in rehabilitation.
It’s not allowed. Against the indoctrination.
The guilt you feel when you manage to sneak in a nap
Perpetuates the mania making one feel more like crap.
Then depression pays a visit.
Adding to the feeling of inadequacy that is already drilled into our core
Because of our LITERAL limitations.
Gotta tell ya, I didn’t much miss this shit at all.

The mind keeps moving despite the bodies desire for sleep.
Relaxation, what’s that?
I haven’t known that for weeks.
Forgotten in the quest to move, go, create,
It’s existence is now questionable to me.

Friends and family get concerned.
All of them careful, forlorn.
Wanting to help, but not sure how.

The shrinks schedule is full,
That’s nothing new.
Two more days without sleep.
Continual rapid thoughts
And sped speech.
Foggy and clumsy, bruised from bumping into walls that have always been there.
And they expect me to drive?
Is this their version of suicide?

Body itching for sleep,
Try to lay down and my mind revolts.
Eyes start to itch from stale air.
Leg starts kicking,
Fingers twitching,
Jaws start clenching,
Heartbeat rapid.
Mind racing…Gotta get up and keep moving.

Eyes dry from being open for days,
Need fake tears to ease the pain.
Get some coffee to help the body keep up with the mind.
Because nothing else is working.
You tell me, what are my other options?
You just try being bipolar.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
I dunno.
I’ve been up through all of them
So why does it matter?

Tensions build as those who care
Watch you deteriorate,
While the illness is picking up pace
Now even your loved ones can see your mind race.
Spinnning like a toy top on speed.
We know you wonder if we’ll make it back.
So do we.
And yes, it does add to the panic.

Waited in line in a rather serene lobby,
While reading up on my hobbies.
Saw the doctor,
Took 5 hours, I hope it’s worth it.
New meds, bullshit about quitting smoking and a new.

Yeah right.
Um, in a crisis, take your quitting smoking and ……
Meds will be mailed, no need to stress
and “there’s a therapy group where you will be sent”

One day goes by.
Still manic and unable to sleep.
No meds yet, still have to wait.
Wanting to stop but unable too.
Two days go by and I begin to wonder why me?
What did I do to deserve this damn disease.

My meds shoulda been delivered to my front door.
Two days ago .
Instead I am banging my head against the wall.
While my mind and body is engaged in a war.

Anxious and exhausted call the pharmacy.
They didn’t mail them, like they were instructed.
Another trip to the hospital while exhausted,
They don’t care just part of the process.
If you get in a wreck,
It’s not their problem.

Get to the phramacy and wait in line.
Only to find the med I need
Isn’t currently In stock
And no, there isn’t a generic.
No surprise there.
This has been happening for years.

At least no one ever told me that mental health is free.
Why I figured an eternity of med’s hopefully stay sane.
But we all know, somewhere in there I’ll need another med changed.

Meds are starting to work,
For now, until they stop.
And then, we’ll get to do this again.

And this is the life a bipolar lives.

It’s a Vicious circle that entomb’s our very being.

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Top 11 Terrific Things About Bipolar Disorder

1 – Creativity. Visual arts, performance, writing, music; in all the arts bipolar talent is common and sometimes exceptional. Patty Duke, Ernest Hemingway, Trent Reznor, Sylvia Plath, many more. The link between bipolar disorder and creativity is well-established, though further study is needed. One research finding: as many as 60% of people with bipolar disorders are writers.
2 – Energy. Not sleeping for two or three days without feeling effects is even better than modafanil (Provigil). People take all sorts of stimulants attempting to experience similar energy; if you could bottle this symptom of mania and hypomania, you’d make a mint.
3 – Exuberance. Kay Redfield Jamison, prominent psychiatrist who studies and has bipolar, wrote the book Exuberance: The Passion For Life in celebration of the passion and joy in mania and hypomania. “Exuberance,” Jamison says, “is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion.” And it’s contagious. Bipolar disorder spreads happiness; think Mary Poppins.
4 – Unlike Mary (well, we don’t know for sure), lust a.k.a. “hypersexuality” is also a prominent feature of hypomania. People with bipolar disorders tend to be dazzling, passionate and adventurous lovers.
5 – Perspective on emotions. What goes up, must come down, and back up again. Viewing life and issues from both ends makes you more philosophical about the meaning of things. Would this matter when not depressed? Would that seem a good idea when stable? Emotions become illusory flavourings.
6 – Proof of the biological basis of mental illness, especially this one but it disproves dualism in general. More scientific evidence and ongoing research plus personal anecdotes asserting internal causes and correlates of depression and hypo/mania (as well as some environmental interactions, it’s not totally reductionist) than you could ever hope to read. Hands down, no debate here, it’s physical.
7 – Lots of bipolar celebrities. “Did you know so-and-so had bipolar disorder?” is an easy conversation starter, raising an eyebrow, implicitly comparing yourself to Marilyn Monroe, Florence Nightingale or Winston Churchill.
8 – Depth of experience. You’ll not meet more experienced, well-travelled, multi-dimensional people. Exceptional and often unusual stories to share. Could be because people with bipolar disorders, so often adventurous, tend to be high-achievers and leaders with above average intelligence.
9 – Courage. Tied in with bravado and gradiosity, at its most severe it can be dangerous risk-taking, but at its best it’s inspiring and heroic.
10 – Depression. What’s good about depression, you ask? Light needs shadow, and the most profound understanding includes both. It illuminates the whole human experience.

11 – Having someone you’ve never met from the other side of the World reading your Blog and you becoming very good friend’s to the point where as you can openly chat to eachother about anything and everything without feeling awkward or judged.. No doubt the certain person I’m talking about will read this and have a cheeky smile on their face. Well that’s the Intention anyway..

Yes you’ll know doubt be wondering why I’ve decided to do a post that basically describes my undoing, Well I think It’s about time I let all those dark, terrifying memories become exactly that ” memories “.

I was 33 when I had my first attack of manic depressive Illness; once the war began, I lost my mind rather rapidly.

At first, everything seemed so easy, I raced about like a headless chicken, bubbling with plan’s and Idea’s, Immersed In pointless activitie’s, and staying up all night, night after night, out working, reading everything and anything and making completely unrealistic plan’s for my future. The World was filled with promise and pleasure, I felt amazing like I could do absolutely anything.

My mind seemed crystal clear, focused and I was intuitive, at the time, however, not only did everything make perfect sense, but It all began to fit into a marvellous kind of relatedness.

It must of been exhausting to be around me and my rambling’s; You’re talking to fast, Bri. Slow down your wearing me out. Those time’s when they didn’t actually come out and say It, I could see It In their eye’s: For God’s sake, Bri, chill out..

I did, finally, slow down. In fact, I came to a grinding halt and the bottom began to fall out of my life and mind. My thinking far from being clearer than crystal, was tortuous. I would read the same article over an over only to realise that I had no memory at all of what I’d just read. Nothing made sense, I would find myself staring out the window of my cab with absolutely no Idea of what was going on around me.

It was an extremely frightening experience to go through, It still happen’s even now. I was used to my mind being my best buddy, of having complete conversation’s within my head;  somewhere to hide when boring or painful sorrounding’s appeared. Now all of a sudden my mind turned on me; It laughed at all my foolish plan’s; no longer found thing’s interesting or enjoyable. It was incapable of concentrated thought and turned time again and again to the subject of death: I was going to die. What difference did anything make? My life like everyone else’s was a short and meaningless one, why live? I was completely exhausted and didn’t want to even get out of bed, I wore the same clothes for day’s on end without a thought of personal appearance.

Each day I woke deeply tired, a feeling foreign to me. Then a grey, bleak preoccupation with death and dying and that everything was born to die. Best die now and save the pain while wait? I made a decision to end It all, I got into my car at around 01.30 am and headed for my local motorway ( highway ) once there my mind left me and I drove Into the central reservation travelling at around 70/80 mph. I don’t fully remember what took place or what happened after the event. My next memory was being In hospital surrounded by Doctor’s and nurse’s aswell as my Family. It had taken them so long to cut me free from the wreck that my family had time to travel the 8 mile’s to the A+E..

Needless to say the following few day’s were tedious, constant assessment by Doctor’s and Psychiatrist’s. It took them a further 2 month’s to diagnose me with Bipolar, As anyone else with the condition I’m still coming to term’s with the whole situation. I partly created this Blog to express my thought’s and feeling’s also for other’s to compare experience’s.

I hope I havn’t  bored you to death and you’ve gotten something out of this.

It’s been quite a while since my last post and If I’m honest there’s good reason, My head, mind and thought’s simply havn’t been upto It.

This Is going to be a brief post asking whoever read’s this to consider joining my FACEBOOK Group..

It’s called ” Why the F@@k am I awake ” It’s not just about Insomnia It’s a place where I hope we can all share our Experience’s, Whether It be Bipolar, Hypermania or any other Mental health Issue. I want us all to be able to talk freely with each other possibly help each other out..

https://www.facebook.com/groups/am.i.awake/

or

am.i.awake@groups.facebook.com

You can also add me personally by searching for  :–

http://www.facebook.com/brian.macintosh77

Hope to hear from you soon..

Kind Regard’s

BRIAN aka MANICMACCA

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My mind Is like Highway full of speeding car’s all of which are travelling faster than one can possibly Imagine, It’s out of my control now I’m merely a passenger on what feel’s like a joy ride.

I’m hardly surprised as I’ve been awake for 64 hours without a minute’s sleep, I’m on a kind high which Is tremendous, My Idea’s are fast and frequent like shooting star’s, and I follow them until I find better and brighter one’s. Feeling’s of euphoria, Intensity, power, well-being and ease are all flowing through my vein’s. I can feel my heart pumping stronger and stronger wanting more and more, I’m thriving on the thing that is potentially going to make me ill.

Do I want It to stop Is the question I’m asking myself.

One part of me say’s “YES” this Isn’t healthy for you but the other scream’s “NO” enjoy the creativity that’s been handed to you. In reality though I don’t have the Option to choose It’s quite simply the hand I was dealt with.

As the day’s have gone to night’s and then back to day’s my Idea’s are getting far to fast and there are far to many of them,

Where’s this highway taking Me ?

What’s going to happen when I get there ?

Am I going to be a passer by ?

Or am I going to be a metaphorical wreck myself ?

It’s all travelling at the speed of light, a quick twinkle then It’s gone into the darkest part’s of my mind just like a shooting star, by the time you see it and acknowledge It’s existence It’s gone. Is my mind simply overloading with Idea’s and thought’s or Is It a glimpse of shear brilliance where as I’m tapping Into my undiscovered and natural talent’s. I honestly don’t know but I would say I’ve been more creative in the last 3 day’s than I have the last 3 year’s. I feel I have the power to not just describe my mood’s and feeling’s but to share with you the emotion’s that are attached to them.

Everything has a beautiful glow about It, Kind of like a Sunrise. There’s a sensual, warmness, serenity that lighten’s your spirit and broaden’s your mind.

I know It has to end but when It does, how’s It going to happen?

Nice and Quietly

Or

Loud and Aggressively.

I think I can answer this already, as the past night has progressed I’ve slowly noticed my concentration dropping, tiredness Is making an appearance, my thought’s are wondering, even my Mind Is wavering, dark figure’s, silhouettes and shadow’s are starting to creep into my line of sight and wherever I look, they’re there, waiting  for me. Of course they can’t be real and I know they are just figment’s of my imagination but that doesn’t change the fact I’m seeing them so I’d almost guarantee It’s going to end horribly.

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that this joy ride Is over.

All I want to know Is ?

Am I simply going to be walking wounded or something far more serious?

A Tortured Soul

This look’s how I feel right now, Crazed, Mental however you want to describe It, It Isn’t a nice place to be. I’ve been awake now for almost 3 full day’s with maybe 5/6 hour’s sleep and my head Is begging for It all to  stop, please just stop and let me have some quality sleep an rest time but my plea’s for rest are going unanswered.

I’m between a Rock and a very very Hard place. I don’t mind missing the odd night here and there, but sometimes it’s night after night after night and then it becomes relentless. I can feel my sense of sanity slipping away, I see things that aren’t there, I become preoccupied with things that don’t matter, like checking my Facebook account constantly during the night, just to get communication from the outside world. Which I’ve been doing whilst writing this new post.

Whilst being In this state I’ve been doing some research on the Net and I found A study that found people who reported difficulty getting to sleep, staying asleep or waking up too early were more likely to think about killing themselves, plan suicide or attempt to kill themselves.

I don’t know about you but that’s a pretty horrible conclusion but I believe It to be true. I myself have had those thought’s and feeling’s and I even discussed them with my psychiatrist only yesterday but he never came up with a solution other than more medication. I’m not being funny when I say this but I’ve tried God know’s how many type’s of Med’s an they simply don’t work. I’m now getting to the point of feeling tortured out of my mind. I no longer feel like all my thought’s are my own and my action’s are also starting to falter ie :- I’ve spent a small fortune In the last week on thing’s I wouldn’t normally do, I’m overly fixated on the simplest of task’s to the point they take hours, I constantly wan’t something to do even though I really haven’t got the energy to do It.

Something else I’ve read, Sleep deprivation is regarded as torture under international law and is branded as such by the United Nations. Sleep deprivation may sound quite harmless in comparison to other methods of torture; however, ongoing sleep deprivation is an extraordinarily cruel form of torture which leads to a breakdown of the nervous system and to other serious physical and psychological damage.

I can’t agree more with above statement but I’m all out of Idea’s as what to do next, I’m almost certain there’s people out there that read my Blog and have probably experienced similar problem’s as mine. All I ask Is for you to please leave a comment or suggestion as to what I could do. Seriously If this carry’s on like this I honestly do know how long I can cope with It all..

I’m going to leave It at that for now an try an relax for an hour before my family wake up.

Thank’s for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon..

 << Brian >>

 

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