Tag Archive: mental state



I’m cruising along day by day,
taking everything and feeling in stride,
All intense feelings kept at bay.
No major depression, no roller-coaster ride

Feeling quite content, this bipolar’s version of Heaven.
Seems Medications are working and no insane thoughts lurking.
Despite the side effects one has to contend with.
I can participate in life without being an extremist.
All negative behaviors have ceased and are in check.
All falling by the way side in the pursuit of all that is better.
Suicidal ideations are a thing of the distant past.
The scars I wear no longer make sense.

Affection is welcome and
Touch soothes the soul.
Closeness is invited and intimacy seems to heal all.

Then, without warning
Like the Tsunami in Asia
Everything I know gets washed away.
An uncontrollable wave of emotion crashes down upon the coast of ME.
The skies now gray and angry consuming all that was blue.
As I race to save my life.
Everything I hold dear now in strife
My foundation washed away or buried.
Are you beginning to feel why bipolar’s worry?

All the tools acquired over the years,
The relationships invested in fall by the wayside
In confusion and tears.
I question if the only safe place is the hospital.

Insomnia creeps through my backdoor.
Hiding in my bed
Making sleep impossible.
My bedroom no longer a friend,
More like a distant relative.
Meds cease to work as brain chemistry adjusts and tolerances build to the
Very temporary man-made solution
To OUR organic constitution.
And you wonder why I sometimes feel cheated.

Everything within my view becomes a project I must attack and complete
My essence is slipping through and ticking by,
no time to waste.
As my mind races,
my eyes scan my surroundings
Taking note of each and every item out of place.
More projects pile up and less seems to get done.
Overwhelming every inch of my mind
And occupying all your waking time.
My mind seeks sanctuary but there isn’t any.

The CONCEPT of sleep becomes a LUXURY that the manic mind
CANNOT
Participate in.
Sleeping while in a mania is like drinking a bottle of vodka while in rehabilitation.
It’s not allowed. Against the indoctrination.
The guilt you feel when you manage to sneak in a nap
Perpetuates the mania making one feel more like crap.
Then depression pays a visit.
Adding to the feeling of inadequacy that is already drilled into our core
Because of our LITERAL limitations.
Gotta tell ya, I didn’t much miss this shit at all.

The mind keeps moving despite the bodies desire for sleep.
Relaxation, what’s that?
I haven’t known that for weeks.
Forgotten in the quest to move, go, create,
It’s existence is now questionable to me.

Friends and family get concerned.
All of them careful, forlorn.
Wanting to help, but not sure how.

The shrinks schedule is full,
That’s nothing new.
Two more days without sleep.
Continual rapid thoughts
And sped speech.
Foggy and clumsy, bruised from bumping into walls that have always been there.
And they expect me to drive?
Is this their version of suicide?

Body itching for sleep,
Try to lay down and my mind revolts.
Eyes start to itch from stale air.
Leg starts kicking,
Fingers twitching,
Jaws start clenching,
Heartbeat rapid.
Mind racing…Gotta get up and keep moving.

Eyes dry from being open for days,
Need fake tears to ease the pain.
Get some coffee to help the body keep up with the mind.
Because nothing else is working.
You tell me, what are my other options?
You just try being bipolar.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
I dunno.
I’ve been up through all of them
So why does it matter?

Tensions build as those who care
Watch you deteriorate,
While the illness is picking up pace
Now even your loved ones can see your mind race.
Spinnning like a toy top on speed.
We know you wonder if we’ll make it back.
So do we.
And yes, it does add to the panic.

Waited in line in a rather serene lobby,
While reading up on my hobbies.
Saw the doctor,
Took 5 hours, I hope it’s worth it.
New meds, bullshit about quitting smoking and a new.

Yeah right.
Um, in a crisis, take your quitting smoking and ……
Meds will be mailed, no need to stress
and “there’s a therapy group where you will be sent”

One day goes by.
Still manic and unable to sleep.
No meds yet, still have to wait.
Wanting to stop but unable too.
Two days go by and I begin to wonder why me?
What did I do to deserve this damn disease.

My meds shoulda been delivered to my front door.
Two days ago .
Instead I am banging my head against the wall.
While my mind and body is engaged in a war.

Anxious and exhausted call the pharmacy.
They didn’t mail them, like they were instructed.
Another trip to the hospital while exhausted,
They don’t care just part of the process.
If you get in a wreck,
It’s not their problem.

Get to the phramacy and wait in line.
Only to find the med I need
Isn’t currently In stock
And no, there isn’t a generic.
No surprise there.
This has been happening for years.

At least no one ever told me that mental health is free.
Why I figured an eternity of med’s hopefully stay sane.
But we all know, somewhere in there I’ll need another med changed.

Meds are starting to work,
For now, until they stop.
And then, we’ll get to do this again.

And this is the life a bipolar lives.

It’s a Vicious circle that entomb’s our very being.

Top 11 Terrific Things About Bipolar Disorder

1 – Creativity. Visual arts, performance, writing, music; in all the arts bipolar talent is common and sometimes exceptional. Patty Duke, Ernest Hemingway, Trent Reznor, Sylvia Plath, many more. The link between bipolar disorder and creativity is well-established, though further study is needed. One research finding: as many as 60% of people with bipolar disorders are writers.
2 – Energy. Not sleeping for two or three days without feeling effects is even better than modafanil (Provigil). People take all sorts of stimulants attempting to experience similar energy; if you could bottle this symptom of mania and hypomania, you’d make a mint.
3 – Exuberance. Kay Redfield Jamison, prominent psychiatrist who studies and has bipolar, wrote the book Exuberance: The Passion For Life in celebration of the passion and joy in mania and hypomania. “Exuberance,” Jamison says, “is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion.” And it’s contagious. Bipolar disorder spreads happiness; think Mary Poppins.
4 – Unlike Mary (well, we don’t know for sure), lust a.k.a. “hypersexuality” is also a prominent feature of hypomania. People with bipolar disorders tend to be dazzling, passionate and adventurous lovers.
5 – Perspective on emotions. What goes up, must come down, and back up again. Viewing life and issues from both ends makes you more philosophical about the meaning of things. Would this matter when not depressed? Would that seem a good idea when stable? Emotions become illusory flavourings.
6 – Proof of the biological basis of mental illness, especially this one but it disproves dualism in general. More scientific evidence and ongoing research plus personal anecdotes asserting internal causes and correlates of depression and hypo/mania (as well as some environmental interactions, it’s not totally reductionist) than you could ever hope to read. Hands down, no debate here, it’s physical.
7 – Lots of bipolar celebrities. “Did you know so-and-so had bipolar disorder?” is an easy conversation starter, raising an eyebrow, implicitly comparing yourself to Marilyn Monroe, Florence Nightingale or Winston Churchill.
8 – Depth of experience. You’ll not meet more experienced, well-travelled, multi-dimensional people. Exceptional and often unusual stories to share. Could be because people with bipolar disorders, so often adventurous, tend to be high-achievers and leaders with above average intelligence.
9 – Courage. Tied in with bravado and gradiosity, at its most severe it can be dangerous risk-taking, but at its best it’s inspiring and heroic.
10 – Depression. What’s good about depression, you ask? Light needs shadow, and the most profound understanding includes both. It illuminates the whole human experience.

11 – Having someone you’ve never met from the other side of the World reading your Blog and you becoming very good friend’s to the point where as you can openly chat to eachother about anything and everything without feeling awkward or judged.. No doubt the certain person I’m talking about will read this and have a cheeky smile on their face. Well that’s the Intention anyway..

Yes you’ll know doubt be wondering why I’ve decided to do a post that basically describes my undoing, Well I think It’s about time I let all those dark, terrifying memories become exactly that ” memories “.

I was 33 when I had my first attack of manic depressive Illness; once the war began, I lost my mind rather rapidly.

At first, everything seemed so easy, I raced about like a headless chicken, bubbling with plan’s and Idea’s, Immersed In pointless activitie’s, and staying up all night, night after night, out working, reading everything and anything and making completely unrealistic plan’s for my future. The World was filled with promise and pleasure, I felt amazing like I could do absolutely anything.

My mind seemed crystal clear, focused and I was intuitive, at the time, however, not only did everything make perfect sense, but It all began to fit into a marvellous kind of relatedness.

It must of been exhausting to be around me and my rambling’s; You’re talking to fast, Bri. Slow down your wearing me out. Those time’s when they didn’t actually come out and say It, I could see It In their eye’s: For God’s sake, Bri, chill out..

I did, finally, slow down. In fact, I came to a grinding halt and the bottom began to fall out of my life and mind. My thinking far from being clearer than crystal, was tortuous. I would read the same article over an over only to realise that I had no memory at all of what I’d just read. Nothing made sense, I would find myself staring out the window of my cab with absolutely no Idea of what was going on around me.

It was an extremely frightening experience to go through, It still happen’s even now. I was used to my mind being my best buddy, of having complete conversation’s within my head;  somewhere to hide when boring or painful sorrounding’s appeared. Now all of a sudden my mind turned on me; It laughed at all my foolish plan’s; no longer found thing’s interesting or enjoyable. It was incapable of concentrated thought and turned time again and again to the subject of death: I was going to die. What difference did anything make? My life like everyone else’s was a short and meaningless one, why live? I was completely exhausted and didn’t want to even get out of bed, I wore the same clothes for day’s on end without a thought of personal appearance.

Each day I woke deeply tired, a feeling foreign to me. Then a grey, bleak preoccupation with death and dying and that everything was born to die. Best die now and save the pain while wait? I made a decision to end It all, I got into my car at around 01.30 am and headed for my local motorway ( highway ) once there my mind left me and I drove Into the central reservation travelling at around 70/80 mph. I don’t fully remember what took place or what happened after the event. My next memory was being In hospital surrounded by Doctor’s and nurse’s aswell as my Family. It had taken them so long to cut me free from the wreck that my family had time to travel the 8 mile’s to the A+E..

Needless to say the following few day’s were tedious, constant assessment by Doctor’s and Psychiatrist’s. It took them a further 2 month’s to diagnose me with Bipolar, As anyone else with the condition I’m still coming to term’s with the whole situation. I partly created this Blog to express my thought’s and feeling’s also for other’s to compare experience’s.

I hope I havn’t  bored you to death and you’ve gotten something out of this.

It’s been quite a while since my last post and If I’m honest there’s good reason, My head, mind and thought’s simply havn’t been upto It.

This Is going to be a brief post asking whoever read’s this to consider joining my FACEBOOK Group..

It’s called ” Why the F@@k am I awake ” It’s not just about Insomnia It’s a place where I hope we can all share our Experience’s, Whether It be Bipolar, Hypermania or any other Mental health Issue. I want us all to be able to talk freely with each other possibly help each other out..

https://www.facebook.com/groups/am.i.awake/

or

am.i.awake@groups.facebook.com

You can also add me personally by searching for  :–

http://www.facebook.com/brian.macintosh77

Hope to hear from you soon..

Kind Regard’s

BRIAN aka MANICMACCA

The Darkness Within

I Look In

Before I start to update my Blog I’d just like you to read this poem I recently found I believe It ring’s true for  allot and describes how we can feel when were feeling low. I’ve Included the source so you find other poem’s like this..

I know you may not think so
But I’m trying really hard
I don’t do it on purpose
I did not pick this card

I’m trying my very best
To get this hurtle jumped
But no one else is there
To help me out of this slump

I don’t know what you want from me
Give me a hint or clue
Please give me a sign
I don’t know what to do

If you only knew
How much I struggle in this war
Maybe you would be there
To pick me up off the floor

Its time to stop pretending
Time to open up your eyes
To give me a hand
Instead of looks and sighs

Its not that I don’t love you
And its not that I don’t care
The fact is I need help too
I need somebody there

Source: Poem about Struggling With A Panic Attack http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/poem-about-struggling-with-a-panic-attack#ixzz1x9VcvRgw
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Depression has a different quality than the normal range of sadness that you may feel throughout the day. When you are depressed you do not feel like being with anybody. Your either sleep way more than usual or you can hardly sleep it all. Similarly, your appetite is either nonexistent or increases dramatically. Your energy level goes way down and you have a feeling of hopelessness about life. As difficult as it may be it is important to get out of the house and get some help. You are not alone.

Well what can I say, I’ve had a manic few week’s and I was honestly thinking yesterday that the worst was over because I actually started to feel tiredness creeping up on me. So yesterday afternoon around 5.30pm I told my wife I was going to bed and as usual she’s not exactly over the moon about It but she tries to understand which I’m very grateful for. Well anyway I headed off to bed In the hope of sleep, but after 6 hours of being led In bed did I realise It wasn’t going to happen and as I mentioned yesterday I had an important appointment with my Case Worker and psychiatrist so sleep was high on my agenda.

As you’ll guess It never happened and had to go feeling like a mess which trust me ain’t great when your going to something like that. My meeting was for 9.30am today, we arrived on time but as expected they had to discuss my case in private before actually Inviting me In and when they did It was the usual question’s such as ” How’s your mood been lately? Have you had any suicidal thought’s recently? ” you know the script I’m sure. Well It was like I’d taken them by surprise when I answered ” My head’s been a mess for the last few week’s, I’ve been Hyper manic and yes I’ve had suicidal thought’s ” now what?

 Guess how Imaginative they are??  ” I know they said, Increase the lithium that’ll sort It “.  Will It? Will It really be the answer ?. Unfortunately I seriously don’t think It will be, I’ve had that many variation’s of medication I honestly wonder If I’ll ever be my true self again.. All I can do Is have faith that they know what they’re doing and sooner or later they’ll get the cocktail of drug’s I’m on just right but until then I’ll have to put up with this physical and mentally straining condition.

Don’t get me wrong sometime’s It’s actually not to bad like now for Instance, I’m on a massive high but It’s not particularly upsetting me In fact almost the opposite, I’m generally feeling happy my mood Is good an my spirits are high.. But on the other hand I know sooner or later It’ll all end and I’ll feel like shit again which Is a massive downer for anyone who suffer’s with Bipolar or other Mental Health problem. You’re enthusiasm for doing anything goes out the window along with your will to live, all you really want to do Is “Find a rock and crawl under It” that’s how I feel every time I come back down to Earth. To describe It I’d have to say , You feel Exhausted, Depressed, Worthless, Emotional and Life less. It’s a very dark and lonely place to be although you want people around you making sure your OK you also want them just to F**k Off and leave you alone because you can’t be arsed with the Bulls**t an reality of life you feel bad enough without adding more to It.

It’s such a heartache sometime’s because my Wife who I love dearly has to watch me go through all the high’s and the low’s and she’s pretty much powerless to help me. Even during the brief period I started hearing and seeing thing’s she stood by me like a rock. She didn’t have a clue what to say to me, but she carried on giving me support either way. A simple hug when word’s can’t be found Is all It take’s to bring some sort of comfort to your very unstable mind and she has them by the van load..

Thank You Sweetheart

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