Tag Archive: suicide


Top 11 Terrific Things About Bipolar Disorder

1 – Creativity. Visual arts, performance, writing, music; in all the arts bipolar talent is common and sometimes exceptional. Patty Duke, Ernest Hemingway, Trent Reznor, Sylvia Plath, many more. The link between bipolar disorder and creativity is well-established, though further study is needed. One research finding: as many as 60% of people with bipolar disorders are writers.
2 – Energy. Not sleeping for two or three days without feeling effects is even better than modafanil (Provigil). People take all sorts of stimulants attempting to experience similar energy; if you could bottle this symptom of mania and hypomania, you’d make a mint.
3 – Exuberance. Kay Redfield Jamison, prominent psychiatrist who studies and has bipolar, wrote the book Exuberance: The Passion For Life in celebration of the passion and joy in mania and hypomania. “Exuberance,” Jamison says, “is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion.” And it’s contagious. Bipolar disorder spreads happiness; think Mary Poppins.
4 – Unlike Mary (well, we don’t know for sure), lust a.k.a. “hypersexuality” is also a prominent feature of hypomania. People with bipolar disorders tend to be dazzling, passionate and adventurous lovers.
5 – Perspective on emotions. What goes up, must come down, and back up again. Viewing life and issues from both ends makes you more philosophical about the meaning of things. Would this matter when not depressed? Would that seem a good idea when stable? Emotions become illusory flavourings.
6 – Proof of the biological basis of mental illness, especially this one but it disproves dualism in general. More scientific evidence and ongoing research plus personal anecdotes asserting internal causes and correlates of depression and hypo/mania (as well as some environmental interactions, it’s not totally reductionist) than you could ever hope to read. Hands down, no debate here, it’s physical.
7 – Lots of bipolar celebrities. “Did you know so-and-so had bipolar disorder?” is an easy conversation starter, raising an eyebrow, implicitly comparing yourself to Marilyn Monroe, Florence Nightingale or Winston Churchill.
8 – Depth of experience. You’ll not meet more experienced, well-travelled, multi-dimensional people. Exceptional and often unusual stories to share. Could be because people with bipolar disorders, so often adventurous, tend to be high-achievers and leaders with above average intelligence.
9 – Courage. Tied in with bravado and gradiosity, at its most severe it can be dangerous risk-taking, but at its best it’s inspiring and heroic.
10 – Depression. What’s good about depression, you ask? Light needs shadow, and the most profound understanding includes both. It illuminates the whole human experience.

11 – Having someone you’ve never met from the other side of the World reading your Blog and you becoming very good friend’s to the point where as you can openly chat to eachother about anything and everything without feeling awkward or judged.. No doubt the certain person I’m talking about will read this and have a cheeky smile on their face. Well that’s the Intention anyway..

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Yes you’ll know doubt be wondering why I’ve decided to do a post that basically describes my undoing, Well I think It’s about time I let all those dark, terrifying memories become exactly that ” memories “.

I was 33 when I had my first attack of manic depressive Illness; once the war began, I lost my mind rather rapidly.

At first, everything seemed so easy, I raced about like a headless chicken, bubbling with plan’s and Idea’s, Immersed In pointless activitie’s, and staying up all night, night after night, out working, reading everything and anything and making completely unrealistic plan’s for my future. The World was filled with promise and pleasure, I felt amazing like I could do absolutely anything.

My mind seemed crystal clear, focused and I was intuitive, at the time, however, not only did everything make perfect sense, but It all began to fit into a marvellous kind of relatedness.

It must of been exhausting to be around me and my rambling’s; You’re talking to fast, Bri. Slow down your wearing me out. Those time’s when they didn’t actually come out and say It, I could see It In their eye’s: For God’s sake, Bri, chill out..

I did, finally, slow down. In fact, I came to a grinding halt and the bottom began to fall out of my life and mind. My thinking far from being clearer than crystal, was tortuous. I would read the same article over an over only to realise that I had no memory at all of what I’d just read. Nothing made sense, I would find myself staring out the window of my cab with absolutely no Idea of what was going on around me.

It was an extremely frightening experience to go through, It still happen’s even now. I was used to my mind being my best buddy, of having complete conversation’s within my head;  somewhere to hide when boring or painful sorrounding’s appeared. Now all of a sudden my mind turned on me; It laughed at all my foolish plan’s; no longer found thing’s interesting or enjoyable. It was incapable of concentrated thought and turned time again and again to the subject of death: I was going to die. What difference did anything make? My life like everyone else’s was a short and meaningless one, why live? I was completely exhausted and didn’t want to even get out of bed, I wore the same clothes for day’s on end without a thought of personal appearance.

Each day I woke deeply tired, a feeling foreign to me. Then a grey, bleak preoccupation with death and dying and that everything was born to die. Best die now and save the pain while wait? I made a decision to end It all, I got into my car at around 01.30 am and headed for my local motorway ( highway ) once there my mind left me and I drove Into the central reservation travelling at around 70/80 mph. I don’t fully remember what took place or what happened after the event. My next memory was being In hospital surrounded by Doctor’s and nurse’s aswell as my Family. It had taken them so long to cut me free from the wreck that my family had time to travel the 8 mile’s to the A+E..

Needless to say the following few day’s were tedious, constant assessment by Doctor’s and Psychiatrist’s. It took them a further 2 month’s to diagnose me with Bipolar, As anyone else with the condition I’m still coming to term’s with the whole situation. I partly created this Blog to express my thought’s and feeling’s also for other’s to compare experience’s.

I hope I havn’t  bored you to death and you’ve gotten something out of this.

It’s been quite a while since my last post and If I’m honest there’s good reason, My head, mind and thought’s simply havn’t been upto It.

This Is going to be a brief post asking whoever read’s this to consider joining my FACEBOOK Group..

It’s called ” Why the F@@k am I awake ” It’s not just about Insomnia It’s a place where I hope we can all share our Experience’s, Whether It be Bipolar, Hypermania or any other Mental health Issue. I want us all to be able to talk freely with each other possibly help each other out..

https://www.facebook.com/groups/am.i.awake/

or

am.i.awake@groups.facebook.com

You can also add me personally by searching for  :–

http://www.facebook.com/brian.macintosh77

Hope to hear from you soon..

Kind Regard’s

BRIAN aka MANICMACCA

I CANT BELIEVE I OVERDOSED

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Where do I start ??

I suppose the beginning would be good. As you’ll of no doubt noticed I havn’t written anything recently and that’s simply down to the fact I’ve felt relatively OK over the past month or so I thought..

I’ll openly admit I thought I knew best and decided to stop taking some of my medication,

  DEPIKOTE      ( Mood stabilisers )  

At first I honestly thought I’d made the right choice, my sleep pattern Improved, I seemed to have more motivation and generally felt a lot better In myself but as usual all good thing’s have to end.

Monday just gone was no different than any other day, my wife told my psychiatrist I wasn’t acting unusual  or behaving odd. I was In what I thought was a good frame of mind, so I decided to go and buy some alcohol which Isn’t usually any kind of problem. Well this time round everything seemed normal, I got drunk and told my wife I was going to bed. Nothing odd there but apparently 20 mins later I came back down stairs and was completely Incoherent talking absolute rubbish and didn’t actually know where I was or what was going on around me.

My Wife Instantly knew something wasn’t right and called for an Ambulance, I have absolutely no recollection of any of this. 

I woke up fuzzy headed and went to rub my eye’s and that’s when I realised, I was In Hospital !!!!

I had a drip coming out of my right hand and another tube coming out of my wrist, I was also wearing Hospital gown’s which made something dawn on me. A member of staff must of undressed me and to make It worse I don’t wear underwear. How embarrassing,….

Well after plenty of blood test’s and checking my med’s cupboard they discovered I’d taken around 10 –  7.5mg tablets of

Zopiclone      ( Sleeper’s )  

I’ve 1 very simple question??   Why did I do It??

Honestly can’t understand It at all, If I’m honest It’s scared the shit out of me simply because I’m clearly not In complete control of my own action’s.. Which now leave’s me wondering what else could / might happen In the future? Harm myself or worse harm someone close to me with out even being aware of It..

Now I’m back on the Crisis team alert list and waiting to hear what the next step Is going to be, more tablet’s? A stay In hospital? I just don’t know any more, nothing seem’s to work properly for me. It either work’s 1 way but has side effect’s or It doesn’t work at all..

 

HELP !!!!

 

WHO’S WATCHING FROM WITHIN

hidden feeling's

Well were do I start ? 

It’s been a few week’s since my last post and oh what a difference a few week’s make. I’ve gone from being euphoric and on top of the world to feeling absolutely worthless. I no longer want to get out of bed or even bother with simple daily task’s. Right now I honestly couldn’t care less about anything. Yes that sound’s pretty drastic but that’s the honest truth. I would happily go to sleep an not wake up right now. 

I understand that sound’s suicidal but that’s not exactly what I’m getting at, I no longer want this nonexistent lifestyle. I feel that there’s more to my existence than this, I just don’t fucking know what?? It feel’s like I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

My life seem’s to go from extreme to another so rapidly It’s hard for me to keep up, Imagine being In relatively quiet place then out of nowhere youv’e got 30 people all demanding answer’s to thing’s youv’e no idea about. It’s kind of like that, who? what? where? when?

” EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE “

I simply want an easy life without all this bullshit, but as I keep getting reminded It’s the hand I was dealt. If that’s the case I fold my hand, stand up from the table an say thank’s but no thank’s, I’ve had enough of this ” game “.

If you’ve any idea where I’m coming from feel free to leave a comment as right now I seriously haven’t got a clue as to what to do next other than drive myself up the wall..    

I’m well aware there are plenty of you out there who are experiencing this as well as me, all I ask Is for you to get in touch an let me know how you deal with it. Any Idea’s, suggestion’s will be appreciated.  

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